Weird moments

With my final Herceptin and Perjeta infusion one week away and my port removal the week after, I'm in a weird space right now.  Happy?  Scared (feels safe while in treatment, as if Herceptin is saving my life, which, quite frankly, it is)? Relieved? Astonished at what has transpired in the past year? I've had some weird moments over the past few weeks.  

Last week, I pulled into the golf club and realized I was crying.  Like really crying.  Out of the blue.  I was headed out to golf for goodness sakes, WTF?  And then I realized.  I was playing Spotify on my car's sound system and the song that was almost over had been on my 'Cold Cap Playlist'.  I played that brief, 6 song playlist every time I cold capped during chemo.  Clearly my subconscious registered this and I was physically crying.  So weird.

Walgreens, yesterday.  I went to fill my prescription of Anastrozole, the 3rd set of 90 days.  I was anxious about getting the right manufacturer to avoid the crippling bone pain.  They had filled it without calling me, like I had asked.  To the counter I go.  Explain I need the Avet manufacturer version.  They have 5 pills of those.  Not 90.  Please sit and wait. I wait.  Out comes the pharmacist herself.  Hands me the bag with the 5 pills. She says, "I will have the other 85 by tomorrow at 2:00pm; can you come back then?"   Of course I can.  I cry with gratitude that I don't have to try another manufacturer's version and start all over again.  Crying with joy in Walgreens.  Weird.

Today.  Closing Day for golf at the golf club.  One year ago today I had my lumpectomy.  I missed Closing Day last year.  My vice-chair ran the entire day for me (I'm chair of the ladies' golf association at our club) so this is the first time I'm doing Closing Day as chair.  I've been searching for how I feel all day and I can't put my finger on it.  And this troubles me.  It's a new feeling and I don't quite know what it is.  Super weird.

I had hoped that blogging would help bring to the surface what's rumbling in my soul right now, but nothing's coming up.  Just a weird headspace.  All there is to do is to sit with it and wait.  So that's what I'll do. xo J

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