It's Been a While...Let's Catch Up

I doubt anyone is still out here, but for the sake of shits and giggles, let's catch up.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the mammogram that changed my life.  I'm not trying to be dramatic; so much has changed in my life it makes my head spin.  And then again, it hasn't.

For example, today I went for a long walk with a friend, had a meeting about our house in Maine, got a manicure and went to the grocery.  No change from what I would have done in other summers.

But I have to do my daily physical therapy for my shoulder (still in complete pain even though I'm seeing a great PT for it).  I had Herceptin and Perjeta infusion number 15 of 17 yesterday and a meeting with my medical oncologist.  The appointments keep coming.  The things I have been through to stay alive boggle my mind.

And next Monday is the PTSD-inducing first mammogram since this all started.  I'm back on the prevention train (while finishing treatment - it's all insane).  And an appointment with my surgical oncologist.  I anticipate using the Ativan I have to get through Monday.

And then what, after my 17th, $49,000 infusion?  I get my chest port out.  I see my medical oncologist every 6 months, have a bone density test every 3 months (we haven't even TALKED about the Anastrozole) and go to alternating mammograms and MRIs every 6 months.  Forever.  And continue with PT for my shoulder, which will continue for probably a year.

I'm on a hormone suppression drug called Anastrozole.  It's a beast.  It suppresses estrogen production in my body because my tumor fed off of estrogen.  My joints are constantly inflamed (meaning my rings don't come off and my old knee injury has resurfaced).  I'm moody.  I'm a pile of creaky bones. I'm back in menopause for 7 years.  My initial prescription gave me severe bone pain, which is kind of indescribable.  A deep ache in the middle of your forearm.  A gnawing pain deep in your femur.  I was working on a "please switch me to another drug" speech for my medical oncologist.  

After the first 90 day prescription ran out, I renewed and received the same medication, but, by a different manufacturer.  Well, I'll be damned.  Bone pain gone.  I asked my medical oncologist how to continue to receive this particular brand.  Apparently I have to hunt it down in pharmacies as they order what they want.  So I will - watch out Walgreens; I'm on a mission.

I have moments where I'm totally "normal" and forget what's happened and happening.  Many, many more moments than this winter.  I don't cry everyday anymore (shhh, that was in the shower), but maybe once a week.  There is never a day yet that I don't think about it.  My calendar is still littered with appointments; at this point, I've been to well over 100.  

My mental state is steadying slowly.  Princess Catherine said it best - after the treatment is the hardest part.  I'm different now.  I'm searching for peace.  I'm not the social person I used to be; in fact, I've begged out of certain things this year that I wouldn't have dreamed of missing prior to cancer.  I feel quieter. More wise?  Or more appreciative of what surrounds me?  

That feels unfinished, but so am I.  I have a long way to go.  Felt good to write.  Maybe I'll do more.  Into the void this goes.  xo J

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