More Re-Entry into the Real World - a Wedding

Just back from a weekend away in FL where we attended the wedding of a friend's daughter.  Which, in and of itself, was unreal to be at that stage of life!  

But I had also used this wedding as a beacon.  I knew it was out there, through all the active treatment, and had used it as a mile marker.  I had certain expectations of where I would be and how I would be feeling but the time it rolled around.  Here's what the reality is:

  • I thought hair loss would be over by the wedding but my hair is still shedding.  And after 2 days of wearing Candace, it was a little worse. I have notes in today to my doctor AGAIN.  I can't take it anymore.  
  • Because of wearing Candace, I didn't look like myself to me.  Sure, everyone was like "you look great!", etc.  I didn't feel great.  When I was getting ready to leave our hotel room for the ceremony, I just wanted to change into my pajamas and read in bed.  I hate looking the way I do right now.  I avoid mirrors.  I hated all the photos taken. 
  • I thought that cancer would recede a little in my mind.  Nope.  When I saw my friend walk down the aisle, the first thought that popped into my mind was "I hope I'll be able to live long enough do that" and a streak of jealousy ran through me.  Yep, it's always there, like a nagging little devil on your shoulder.  I'm not trying to have these thoughts; they just happen.
Also, I'm well into taking the Anastrozole now, and here are the side effects I am experiencing - hot flashes and bone pain.  So on Sunday, after the welcome party and the wedding and the reception, my bones felt awful.  I feel like I've aged 20 years.  Standing up after the plane ride home was brutally painful.  My forearm bones ache regularly.  

On the good news side, I danced a ton and laughed and sang and had a wonderful time with my friends in attendance.  I was so grateful to have spent some time with the mother of the bride.  It was at a gorgeous resort and I have no doubt we will go back.  

But 'living' is different now for sure and it will take me a long time to adjust and find the new normal.  I'm so glad I went to the wedding weekend and was so happy to see everyone I knew that was in attendance.  There are just bumps along the road and sometimes they are bigger than I think. xo J

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