What I Found Out on Wednesday + Post Chemo/Radiation Life

It's been a whirlwind few days and I'm taking a moment to digest everything.  First, I met with my medical oncologist on Wednesday before my HP infusion.  After a hug, she got straight to business.  I will be taking an aromatase inhibitor, Anastrozole, for 7 years, once a day.  My husband just picked up my first prescription today.  Since my tumor fed off of estrogen, we have to stop my body from making it and that is what Anastrozole does.  My lifetime recurrence rate without taking these would be 10-15%; when taking them, 5%.  I'll take the 5% every time.  That's the good news.

The not-so-good news is the side effects.  Back to menopause I go - hot flashes, night sweats and irritable moods (sometimes).  Also, there is a high risk of joint and/or bone pain.  Finally, I'll be getting bone density tests as frequently as every 4 months to see if it reduces my bone density.  For 7 years.  I'm up to 94 appointments since diagnosis with no end in sight.

So where does this leave me?

  • HP infusions every 3 weeks through October
  • Echocardiograms (had one last Monday - heart is good) every 3 months through October
  • Daily pills (+ whatever else I'll need to take to combat side effects) for 7 years
  • Bone density tests every 4 months for 7 years
  • Mammograms and MRIs, alternating every 6 months, forever
While there is much excitement about the completion of the hardest parts of treatment, chemo and radiation, I find myself not really 'celebrating'.  This is my new life, and it includes managing cancer recurrence.  

I had an appointment with my cancer therapist on Friday afternoon.  It couldn't have come at a better time.  I found myself pretty weepy all day Friday.  I think it stemmed from bootcamp; I attended my first Beach Bootcamp since November.  It was so good to see everyone.  It was a windy day and after getting assaulted with flying sand, we jogged back into the neighborhood behind the beach to continue our workout.  I jogged.  I had not jogged or run since my surgery on September 4th.  It felt good and weird and foreign.  Surgical recovery and the chest port have stopped me (remember, I get 'weak ass' when I feel the port move in my chest), but for some reason yesterday, I just did it.  

And then I found myself weepy all day.  Could not put a finger on it.  What triggered it?  A session with my cancer therapist cleared that up.  Amongst other topics we discussed (trauma responses to another cyst, starting 'survivorship' - hate that word - and moving away from the 'protection' of frequent treatment, etc), she noted that I was bringing pre-cancer things into my post-cancer world.  The breakdown after golfing 18 in January.  The trigger of running.  She explained that a lot of this is grief work: Imagine someone you love passing away and you are trying to do something you normally did with them.  How does that feel?  Weird?  Sad?  My pre-cancer self is a thing of the past, and I'm trying to integrate pre-cancer 'things' into my post-cancer life. It is weird and sad. 

She commended me for moving forward and adding things as I go.  Similarly, I've been going out to dinner and lunch with friends quite a bit in the past 2 weeks and I have to admit, I have an undercurrent of anxiety before going out.  I'm not entirely comfortable with socializing after staying home so much during treatment.  Same thing.  Trying to do pre-cancer things, post-cancer.  

Over time, this will, of course, lessen but for now, it's real.  It's still hard.  It will take some time.  I am sometimes embarrassed that I can't react happily to comments like 'You're done!'.  I'm not done and as grateful as I am that active treatment is behind me, I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new reality.  (And, my hair is still shedding which is a constant reminder of what I've been through.)

Speaking of hair, Cold Capping Goddess sent me a link to an article "How to Deal with Major Life Changes" a few months ago, and it hit the nail on the head.  I think I'm at the end of Phase 1 (Dissolving) and about to begin Phase 2 (Imagining). It's a great article to bookmark for reference.

My husband and I are headed to Portugal and the Azores tomorrow.  I may not write much in the next few weeks but will definitely be processing more.  It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since radiation ended and I know I have more to work out in my head.  Cancer treatment is A LOT.  Hoping that a new place and exploring will work some of the kinks out.  Be well.  xo J

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