Waiting for Wednesday

Things have been going well, knock wood.  As my husband said, I 'busted out' this weekend and had multiple plans and activities.  I was almost 100% at my workout this morning; I didn't have to pause to let my heart rate come down and I didn't have to modify any of the exercises.  My armpit tan from radiation is starting to fade.  I've taken long walks, and am getting caught up on other life chores.

But an undercurrent of anxiety is running through me and I haven't been able to sleep the past few nights.  Tomorrow afternoon, I have an infusion of HP and a meeting with my oncologist.  I will find out what meds I'm on for the next 5-10 years and what side effects come along with them.  I will ask the hard questions - what are my 5, 10, 15 year survival rates?  What are my chances for recurrence? 

And then there's just the infusion, in the same place I had chemo.  Someone posted this on online and it's 100% true: "Unfortunately, my nervous system can't tell the difference between walking through this door (into infusion) and being held at gunpoint."  

It's a visceral reaction.  I'm nervous.  I'll be taking an Ativan before bed tonight.  More to come... xo J

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