Hair, hair, hair

Never did I think I'd be writing about my hair but here we are.  

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a photo on their story with a caption that said 'No skipping..!! u in February last year'.  It was a photo of her from February 2024.  The person who had posted is a cancer patient too, and I've only seen her posts since my diagnosis (because my phone picks up everything I say and directs me to content).  I had never seen her with her original hair.  I didn't even recognize her.  It froze me.  Will that be me?  Will I look so totally different in a year that people won't even recognize me? 

I clicked on the filter link and scrolled through my photos to last February.  Lots of squash pictures from my youngest daughter's senior year of high school squash.  Me?  I had hair. I looked like me.  Or me from before.  Before the cancer and the treatments and the hell. 

I'm supposed to be taking a shower and washing my hair right now.  By writing, I'm  procrastinating. I've had a good morning - hit the gym, got my favorite bagels for breakfast, had a yummy coffee, visited our house under construction for a landscaping meeting (in snow).  I know that washing my hair will trigger all kinds of emotions.  

Those little leg hairs earlier in the week gave me such hope.  They are still there, and I spied one or 2 on my left arm yesterday.  But a hair wash, 6 1/2 weeks post final chemo, is still a landmine.  More hair will come out.  I've started to get mad at them, especially the long hairs.  I mean you've lasted 3 months of chemo!  Why come out now?!    It will take a year to make your replacement if I'm lucky.  

And I worry about that. Will my head hair ever grow back?  My eyebrows might be gone for good.  And my eyelashes.  Everyone in the cancer chat groups says that they fall out but grow back in 2-3 weeks.  Nope.  They came out 6 weeks ago.  Nothing has grown back.  

It is slowly dawning on me that I might not just BE a different person at the end of this, but I might LOOK completely different too.  It's a lot to wrap my head around.  There's a reason the doctors only give you the information you need at that moment.  If you had it all, you'd drown in emotions.  

I should really hop in the shower before I start down this path.  Hope you have a good weekend and I hope my hairs behave in the shower. xo J

PS - Just for shits and giggles, I recently counted the number of appointments I have had for cancer treatment from therapy to infusions since August.  Last Friday's radiation appointment was #75. 75 appointments.  Doesn't that seem insane?!  One day, I'll break down the expense side of this. It blew my mind.

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