Back on the Emotional Roller Coaster

It's been an emotional last 20 hours to say the least.  

I have a shopping appointment at Saks tomorrow, and in my pre-treatment life, I would be bubbling with excited anticipation.  Now, it's a source of anxiety.  Too many mirrors.  Will my hair be insane?  I'm wearing different bras now because of radiation and they are best hidden under sweaters, not for trying on dresses for a wedding in FL.  I won't be comfortable trying things on in front of someone else; I've already contacted my shopper and let her know.  I've shopped with her for over a decade and I love her, and her hair and outfit will be perfect and I have a chest port.  This appointment will be very different from all the previous ones.  This occurred to me last night around 7:00pm and I had a mini meltdown.  And then I tore through my dress closet to see if I had anything already that would work, but no.  I've never been more anxious to go shopping.

I had a bigger emotional meltdown later at about 10:30pm.  Reason?  I'm just done.  It's been 5 months today (although I miscounted in my crying last night and said 6 months) since my surgery.  And then recovery.  And then chemo.  And then recovery.  And now radiation.  I'm tired of doing things to my body that require a month to recover from.  Almost 1/2 a year of treatments and appointments and it never ends.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night.

But, per my prior post, off to the gym I went at 6:30am for my 6:45-7:45am class.  And then straight to radiation #10 (where they are consistently late every day, but one, so far - boggles my mind).  And then home for breakfast and a shower.

While I was getting changed to shower, I sat on the chair in my bedroom to take off my socks and leggings.  The sun comes through the window there in the morning, and I noticed, to my surprise and delight and shock, tiny, little hairs on my leg, shining in the sun.  Little hairs, which have been gone for months.  I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for my body to start working again.  I burst into tears of relief.  I'm 6 weeks PFC today and have been completely disheartened by the continued shedding of what little hair I have left on my head.  Going into Sephora with my daughter, and me having no eyebrows or eyelashes, was a huge kick in the head.  My nose runs 24/7 because I have no nose hairs left.  All gross, all true.  To see a tiny little hair growth was nothing short of a miracle.  It really brought me to my knees.  Everyone says the hair starts growing where you don't want it to.  But right now, I'll take anything.  Any sign that I might actually look okay.  Maybe in a year.  But okay at some point. 

So that's my last 20 hours.  Just when you think you have your shit together. xo J

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

April Oncology Visit and Onward

The oncology visit last week went well as one can.  The pain under my left armpit is, tah dah!, from radiation!  Turns out my muscles under there are working like shoelaces now rather than rubber bands.  Thank you scar tissue.  Is it any wonder my mobility is reduced?  Still need to schedule PT for this but at least there's an answer. With regard to the A1C, I'm to ignore that result for now.  It's a 3 month look back, and guess who still had chemo running through her then?  Me.  I will reschedule the test for 3-6 months out and then we'll get serious about it if we need to be. The only shit news, and I appreciate the candor and honesty, is that there is NOTHING to do for my head hair.  It's still shedding, 17 weeks PFC, and it sucks.  I have a tiny bit of growth but it's random short hairs here and there.  I'm still treating it like lace and I am itching to REALLY wash it (scrub my scalp), blow dry it on full heat, and take a ...
Read more

Post Paris and Pre Infusion

Paris was, as you might imagine, heaven.  Bliss.  Totally grateful to have had the opportunity to travel with LDLF.  6 days of joy.  And back to reality.   Last week, I had an oncology massage at MGH.  It's in the same building as my radiation treatments but not in the basement.  Didn't matter.  I walked through the door and physically swayed from dizziness.  The PTSD is strong with me.  Went to the waiting room and again, was the youngest person there.  Spied the infusion rooms, gave another shudder, and after a little wait, headed back to meet my new BFF, the massage therapist.   When I think 'massage', I think 'spa'.  Nope.  An exam room in which you get a 'massage'.  However, it's not a normal massage AT ALL.  Instead, she worked to loosen the muscles which have shrunk: "Like if you put a chicken breast in the microwave, it shrinks.  That's what has happened to your shoulder and pec muscles."  ...
Read more

The Hill I'm Willing to Die on...

Flash back to October 2, 2024.  I'm getting my port in.  I'm on the surgical floor of MGH West in Waltham.  I am sedated, a medical professional makes 2 incisions, one where the port is placed in my right chest area and one where a tube is inserted into a vein in my neck.  You can see the tube over my collarbone.  It's been very effective, even though I hate it.  It's a constant reminder.   Flash back to yesterday.  I receive a call from Interventional Radiology to schedule my port removal.  I know from prior conversations with my medical oncologist that this procedure is done WHILE THE PATIENT IS AWAKE, WITH JUST LOCAL NUMBING AGENTS.  WTF?  No thank you.  The nurse explains that again yesterday and I say 'no'.  Nope.  You sedated me to put it in, and you will sedate me to take it out.  I will throw up if I feel anyone cut into me, or any tugging or pulling while it's being taken out.  I'm pretty ...
Read more