See Ya 2024 - Onward to 2025

Happy 2025!  At least I hope it's going to be a happy 2025.  My husband and I had a quiet evening with another couple and I was in bed early.  Unfortunately, I had some stomach issues through the night and hopefully they will resolve soon.  

It's been 8 days since my final chemo and I really thought I'd be feeling much better by now.  I do feel a little better, but the fatigue is real and my digestive system as finally decided to be a part of the side effects and so I'm going to have to eat plain food until this resolves.  I've more or less lost feeling in my finger tips (thank you chemo) and while the pins and needles aren't as intense, what I'm left with sucks.  I wore ice socks during chemo to avoid neuropathy in my feet (and it worked) but because I have Raynauds in my hands, I couldn't ice them.  I tried compression gloves but I think I missed the window.  It's totally annoying trying to button a shirt or peel the back off sticker.  

I had my call with my oncology team on Monday and asked about a dozen questions, the answers to some of which are:
  • It will take a month for my RBC and WBC counts to get back to normal - still weak immunity.
  • I can start to taper off of Gabapentin (for nervous system) in a week.
  • I can stop taking a morning Zyrtec.
  • I can stop taking the doxycycline when I want (maybe my face needs another week).
  • The transition out of chemo is all about self care and rebuilding my body and mind.  
  • Nothing to do about my eyelashes and brows that are falling out.
  • I can start taking biotin supplements for hair growth.
Speaking of hair...time for an update.  I've lost about 65% of my hair.  It's been an even shed although the crown of my head is very thin.  Like see-my-scalp thin.  I will continue to shed hair for up to 12 weeks which means still I'm only washing my hair twice a week, no hairdryers or products, more baseball caps.  On hair wash days after it dries, if you didn't know me, it looks fine.  No one is staring at me.  It's not my normal 'look' but it's okay.

Would I cold cap again? 100%. The hair thing is a mental game for sure.  It's exhausting, every day for months, losing hair.  After a big shed around chemo week 4 or 5, I went onto the online Paxman Support Group and asked 'is it time to shave my head'?  And thank goodness everyone told me no.  

And I can see little, 1" long hairs growing.  Not many yet, but they are coming.  I'm sure there will be completely awkward stages of growth and I'm not thrilled about that.  There is no 'back to normal' moment, with any of this.  It will take a year + before my hair is my old hair.  But will it ever be my old hair?  Probably not.  

Which leads me to: Will I ever be the old me?  Probably not.  I've read and seen enough to know that living this experience changes people at their core.  I will need time to mourn the old me - I was so carefree and vibrant, if I only knew then what I know now.  I told my husband that this trip to Carmel will be a therapeutic trip for sure.  I know an emotional tsunami has been building in me and I need time and space to process everything.  Chemo was all consuming in terms of my mental space.  It was a constant body watch and assessment and dealing with side effects and every freaking week pouring more toxic drugs into me.  There was no time for processing or reflection.

2025 will be an interesting year for sure as I finish out my active treatment in October.  There is no final 'test' or 'scan' for breast cancer patients (I've asked dozens of times.).  After intensive, caring treatment, they spit you back out into the world and say 'we'll see you for your mammogram/MRI in 6 months'.  Everyone, from both of my oncologists and cancer therapist, forewarn me that this is a challenge.  What hasn't been, really?  

So here's to 2025 - may my remaining treatments be kind to me and I look forward to seeing who I become as I process through all of this.  May you have a healthy, happy and carefree year!  Enjoy it!  xo J

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