A Little Update from Carmel

As I mentioned in my last post, I thought I'd be much more 'recovered' by now than I am.  I'm almost 3 weeks out PFC.  But maybe I'm starting to see the light?  For example, I had a super active day yesterday (hiking Point Lobos in the morning, walked around town and had an early dinner because we skipped lunch, and walked along the coast at sunset) and I found myself NOT falling asleep at 7:00pm.  In fact, I went to bed around 9:00pm and laid awake for a little bit.  I didn't drop off immediately into a fast sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  And I walked about 16,000 steps yesterday.  Tons of fresh air. 

Am I feeling it today?  Yes, a little.  Had a shorter hike early this morning in Carmel Meadows and breakfast out.  When we got back to the house, I thought I'd have a nice, cozy late morning nap.  But I couldn't.  Is this the start?  I REALLY wanted to nap because we have a little golf outing at 3:30 followed by dinner out.  But a nap is not in the cards (as I yawn typing this).  My eyes are twitchy, indicating that I am tired (turns out it's both a chemo side effect AND a fatigue thing).  But onward with golf!

Speaking of golf, on Friday, I played 18 holes for the first time since before my lumpectomy which was on September 4th.  I didn't play particularly well, but I finished.  It's been over 4 months since I could do that.  My port didn't hurt (as it had all fall, limited me to 9 holes) and I wasn't a tired mess.  When I got back to the car, I burst into tears and balled my eyes out.  I'm not 100% sure a. why I burst into tears or b. if they were happy or sad tears.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  What I do know is that it was completely unexpected and took both me and my husband by surprise.  

I had mentioned on January 1st that I felt like an emotional tsunami was coming.  Maybe that was part of it?  My cancer therapist was funny last week.  I talked to her about this and she said that sometimes people get 'stopped up' and she recommends for them to watch a very sad movie.  The emotional release from the crying works in the same way to provide relief, regardless of the source.  

I thought for sure I'd hole up in a little section of Point Lobos and let the waterworks go.  But I haven't been able to.  Turns out playing 18 holes did the trick.  Life is funny that way.   Must get ready for golf.  Hoping for smiles, not tears. xo J

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