What a Difference a Day Can Make

I wrote the first part on Friday night, after a rough day, and the second part on Sunday.  It's wild how much my mood and general health can change in one day.  I went from a very 'dark Friday' to an almost normal Saturday.  I know it's part crashing from steroids and meds and my body trying to process Taxol after a break.  But man, it's really not fair to my husband and anyone else around me.  It's a rollercoaster for sure and I want to get off the ride.

Friday

So here I sit on a Friday night in December in the middle of Prelude festivities in Kennebunkport, ME, in my father-in-law's condo, just after takeout dinner and a 3 hour nap.  This week's treatment has left me empty.  I have a red face from steroids, I'm exhausted from the steroid crash, and all I want to do is be festive and merry and out with friends, celebrating the season and none of that will be happening.  I am not thrilled to be watching Netflix and wearing sweats while my eyes twitch from the meds coursing through me.

It's been a sad day.  I get them every now and then; I can't stop tearing up. My friend with cancer says it's okay to have a day like this - she usually has them when she's tired and overwhelmed.  I'm tired and overwhelmed so maybe she's onto something.  I'm in the final stretch of chemo but this stretch has really been going on since August.  It's 5 months of anxiety, tears, heartbreak and sadness.  Loneliness.  For the tons of support I have (and for which I am eternally grateful), only the few people I know who have or have had cancer can really know how I'm feeling.  It's a very lonely place, to be managing cancer treatment.

And I have another 10 months of treatment ahead of me.  My Herceptin and Perjeta infusions continue on January 2nd and every 3 weeks after that.  I have a brief break after chemo and then radiation starts - every weekday for 4 to 6 weeks.  I meet with my radiation oncologist for the first time on Monday and will know more then. Hopefully the only side effect with radiation will be fatigue.  I hope the Herceptin and Perjeta infusions are just nuisances every 3 weeks and nothing more.

So if I'm quiet, just know that I'm jealous.  Life is short, and right now, I'm missing out.  So I'm jealous.  And mad.  And sad.  And there's nothing I can do about it except continue on this journey that no one wants to be on.  And it's not like I don't want to know what you are doing because I do want to know what's happening in the world, but sometimes it's all too much.  

I had to cancel a coffee with a friend today because I simply couldn't manage sitting, conversing and drinking coffee.  I physically couldn't do it.  Instead, I was in bed, completely out.  I feel like I'm watching life pass me by as I'm standing still (or, as the case is, laying in bed).  It's an awful feeling.  Zero forward momentum.  Stuck in this spot of cancer treatment.  

Saturday

After a ridiculous number of hours of sleep, I woke up on Saturday feeling okay.  Early shower with less hair loss than normal (win), followed by an 8am Zoom meeting.  When that was over, I packed for the eventual drive back to MA.  At 10am, a friend picked me up to take me to Portland to go shopping at one of our favorite stores. Not going to lie, I was nervous to head out for the day after the Friday I had, but after much self assessment, I thought I was good to go.  Plus, I packed a small pharmacy in my bag just in case.

And I was good to go!  I had enough energy to try on clothing (ended up with a dress which I obviously don't need right now, but it was really good), stick my head into a few stores, and have late lunch out in a relatively quiet cafe.  It felt so good and restored a little of my faith that I can be okay some days.  While I'm going to 'lock it down' for the next few weeks to finish chemo, more 'Jennifer Things' are in order and I hope to get some more fun lined up soon.  It's very easy for me to fall down the dark hole of despair and having fun on the calendar helps.

I thought I would nap on the drive back to MA and I did, but only for 15 minutes or so.  I laid in bed for an hour after I arrived home, but didn't sleep.  My husband and I ordered dinner and watched TV and I wasn't itchy or twitching or nauseous.  

While Friday was the scary downhill of the rollercoaster, Saturday was like pulling into the end of the ride, when you are laughing a little and relieved.  And today, Sunday, feels pretty good so far too.  Going to focus on Christmas prep (cards, gifts, etc.) and get a walk in after lunch.  Here's hoping the next few days are good too.  xo J

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