On the Eve of My Last Chemo

Just back from another disappointing workout, where I was MAYBE 30% of my regular self.  I felt like I was trudging through waist-deep snow.  I'm sure people in the class wondered why the hell I was even there.  Frankly, I'm just grateful that I went.  I am so full of meds and chemo I'm not really sure how I'm functioning.  I don't know how they are going to squeeze any more chemo in me tomorrow.  I'm literally swimming in meds.  It's totally gross.  I feel stale, everything tastes crappy and my nerves are simmering under my skin.  My fingers have pins and needles and my nose bleeds at every opportunity. 

So yay to the last chemo tomorrow (God willing my blood counts are good to go)?  Kind of.  I know the week following will be the most challenging yet.  I'll ride the steroids through Christmas and then the crash on Thursday/Friday will be something else.  And then every day following I'll be looking for the blue sky through the clouds; when will I start to feel better?  When will I taste food again?  Will my fingers have neuropathy forever?  I have a month off before radiation starts so I'm guessing it takes closer to a month to feel 100%.

It's 7:00am now and I need to go take my morning nap.  I'll report in about Chemo Day 11 - hopefully it goes off without a hitch.  I have a lot of feelings about tomorrow and I'm not sure what's going to bubble to the surface.  Stay tuned.  xo J

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

April Oncology Visit and Onward

The oncology visit last week went well as one can.  The pain under my left armpit is, tah dah!, from radiation!  Turns out my muscles under there are working like shoelaces now rather than rubber bands.  Thank you scar tissue.  Is it any wonder my mobility is reduced?  Still need to schedule PT for this but at least there's an answer. With regard to the A1C, I'm to ignore that result for now.  It's a 3 month look back, and guess who still had chemo running through her then?  Me.  I will reschedule the test for 3-6 months out and then we'll get serious about it if we need to be. The only shit news, and I appreciate the candor and honesty, is that there is NOTHING to do for my head hair.  It's still shedding, 17 weeks PFC, and it sucks.  I have a tiny bit of growth but it's random short hairs here and there.  I'm still treating it like lace and I am itching to REALLY wash it (scrub my scalp), blow dry it on full heat, and take a ...
Read more

Post Paris and Pre Infusion

Paris was, as you might imagine, heaven.  Bliss.  Totally grateful to have had the opportunity to travel with LDLF.  6 days of joy.  And back to reality.   Last week, I had an oncology massage at MGH.  It's in the same building as my radiation treatments but not in the basement.  Didn't matter.  I walked through the door and physically swayed from dizziness.  The PTSD is strong with me.  Went to the waiting room and again, was the youngest person there.  Spied the infusion rooms, gave another shudder, and after a little wait, headed back to meet my new BFF, the massage therapist.   When I think 'massage', I think 'spa'.  Nope.  An exam room in which you get a 'massage'.  However, it's not a normal massage AT ALL.  Instead, she worked to loosen the muscles which have shrunk: "Like if you put a chicken breast in the microwave, it shrinks.  That's what has happened to your shoulder and pec muscles."  ...
Read more

The Hill I'm Willing to Die on...

Flash back to October 2, 2024.  I'm getting my port in.  I'm on the surgical floor of MGH West in Waltham.  I am sedated, a medical professional makes 2 incisions, one where the port is placed in my right chest area and one where a tube is inserted into a vein in my neck.  You can see the tube over my collarbone.  It's been very effective, even though I hate it.  It's a constant reminder.   Flash back to yesterday.  I receive a call from Interventional Radiology to schedule my port removal.  I know from prior conversations with my medical oncologist that this procedure is done WHILE THE PATIENT IS AWAKE, WITH JUST LOCAL NUMBING AGENTS.  WTF?  No thank you.  The nurse explains that again yesterday and I say 'no'.  Nope.  You sedated me to put it in, and you will sedate me to take it out.  I will throw up if I feel anyone cut into me, or any tugging or pulling while it's being taken out.  I'm pretty ...
Read more