Not the Workout I Hoped For

I was up and at my 5:30am workout this morning.  That sentence holds all the positive things that happened.  What didn't happen?  A full workout.  Or even 1/2.  I'm at 50% when it comes to energy and the only word that I can think of to describe this morning is FRUSTRATING.  I was almost in tears during the workout because I could not do most of it.  Not that I can normally do it all; it's a hard workout.  But damn, I'm weak, my heart rate goes too high, and I'm downright exhausted.  

Until now during chemo, it's been only one of those three things slowing me down - I'm either weak or exhausted or my heart rate skyrockets and I need to stop and let it recover (which takes way longer than normal - chemo side effect).  But today, it was all three.  I had to take frequent breaks and felt like the biggest loser in class.  I wanted to scream "I'm in cancer treatment and I'm anemic and that's why I suck today!".  And on top of that, to recover fully, I had to take a 30 minute nap.  It's 9:24am and I've already had a nap.

I am trying to listen to my body.  At the very beginning of this process, I talked with someone in treatment.  Her advice was to pick one thing every day and do that.  For her, it was work.  For me, it is working out.  Moving and working out keeps the chemo flowing through you and in a backwards way, helps keep your energy up (according to my team).  It's the one thing that I've been hanging onto, the one thing that makes me feel like me. 

And today, it let me down.  Or I let me down.  I realize it's going to feel like this for the next few weeks as the Taxol will be at it's maximum capacity in me and it's going to take a while PFC to get my energy and strength back.  

I'll continue to work out.  But it's not going to be pretty.  There are no burpee broad jumps in the next month.  The battle rope will have to be put on pause.   And I can't freaking wait until I can do it all again.  xo J

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