Is It Okay to Cry Everyday?

Warning - written on Saturday, November 16th.  Not my best day.

~~~

Some days it's situational - because my hair is falling out.  Some days it's frustration - because I can't do something I want to do.  I feel like it's everyday that I'm crying at some point or another. Today, it's because huge clumps of hair came out while I oh-so-fucking-gently washed my hair.  I'm tired.  It's one battle after another, one more road to cross, one more side effect to navigate.  

I'm only 1/2 way done with chemo.  I understand the desire to celebrate this.  But it just means that the most difficult 6 weeks are ahead of me.  Chemo builds and builds and builds in you.  There is no escape.  Just when I feel normal-ish on a Wednesday morning, it's time to dump some more crap in me.  The fatigue gets worse every day, no food tastes good anymore (except for apple sauce, unsweetened and sold at Volante Farms), my nose is constantly stuffed with clots of blood, chemo acne has spread to my back, my hair falls out all the time regardless of cold capping, and my hands are an itchy mess, so much so that I'm using cortisone cream like lotion.  It infects everything I do, all day long.  I cannot escape thinking about it because I'm actively living with it.

So all the time and prep and research and determination I put into fighting this was all for nothing.  Chemo will always win and I just have to ride it out to the end.  It will wreck my face, skin, hair, and body along the way and I hope I can put the pieces back together after chemo ends.  

The idea of taking a trip to Carmel in January seems absolutely ridiculous right now.  I can barely function in the afternoon if I workout in the morning - something that's been non-negotiable for me so far.  I'm constantly wondering how I'm going to a. survive the trip to Jamaica and b. fake it so that everyone else thinks I'm great and they can all have a good time.  Sounds exhausting.

So yeah, I guess it's okay to cry everyday.  There's not much else I can do.  I feel defeated, cheated, and overwhelmed regularly.  So what are a few tears here and there? xo J

~~~

If you got this far, thanks for reading.  Somedays I just need to vent and let it out.  Yesterday was one of them.  Good news - I haven't cried today. xo J

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